The Great Egging Caper
by Bonnie E
Summary: Yay! Someone put up an Elfquest section! Now you've asked for it. One of my many, many old fics from years gone by ah, youth. If you're an EQ purist, you WILL hate this.


The Great Egging Caper ****

The Great Egging Caper __

Notes: My Elfquest stories completely break canon, so if you're an Elfquest purist you'll probably hate this. I wrote Elfquest fanfics all through my teen years (that was anywhere from 10-14 years ago), and I came up with some very odd ones, like this one. My series was set in the modern world, mostly. In this one, Scouter and Winnowill are recognized lifemates, Winnowill owns a fast food restaurant, and the Chosen Eight are, well -- nuts. 

"Why is it that every year the house gets egged and we're the only ones on the street? It's not like we don't give out candy or anything," Winnowill spoke. 

Soreel spoke up, "It's 'cause you always have me at Burger Queen on Freak's Night. If I saw the little buggers who did it, I'd pull out my A-16 and..." 

"That's exactly why I have you at Burger Queen, Soreel," Winnowill spoke. "Scouter, did you buy the glass cleaner?" 

"We have everything we'll need to clean up tomorrow. You know, I'm getting a little sick of this happening every year, too." 

"I want it stopped. That's why you're keeping watch this year." 

"Me?" 

"Of course. You are a scout, after all. I'm just giving you a chance to use your talents." 

"And where am I supposed to scout from?" 

"Why, the porch, of course." 

"But it's supposed to snow tonight. I'll freeze." 

"Oh, Scouter! Are you going to be weak your entire life?" __

Ouch...Scouter thought, silently trying to recall his pride. Would he back down again? Did he dare not to? He recalled colder days in the Holt. He sighed wistfully, knowing that once again he could not win. He would be the one giving out the candy that year. If he didn't turn into an icicle first. 

"Okay, okay." 

Winnowill smiled. "Good." And she left. 

Soreel made a whipping noise with his mouth. Scouter cast him a dirty look, but said nothing. 

Then he saw what Soreel was wearing. It was a pink and orange striped sweater. That was a wardrobe no-no for Soreel. Actually, it was a wardrobe no-no for every man with a sense of dignity. 

"Nice sweater." 

"Shut up." 

"You've been dressing worse since you and Aroree got together. Did she buy it for you? Is your lovemate dressing you?" 

"Just shut up." 

* * * * * * 

Scouter wrapped his coat around himself tighter as the snow fell. The wind was blowing it towards him, despite the porch roof above. 

"Why do I let Winnowill talk me into doing things like this?" he mumbled to himself. "I don't know...maybe I'm the only one she feels she can trust or something...still...that's no excuse. Gothara, it's cold..." His body shivered all over. What he wouldn't do to go in and get another blanket. But he knew if he left his post before she came home and dismissed him from it, the house would probably be egged while he was gone, and Winnowill would fume. He didn't feel up to a fight that evening. He closed his eyes for a moment and imagined a fire going in the fireplace. But no imagining could bring warmth to his body. 

He saw the front door open. He turned his head to see who was there. It was Nellia. 

"Hello, father. How's it been?" 

"Slow." 

"Well, all the kids in the neighbourhood are my age now." 

He eyed her suspiciously, yet with a growing hope. She held a sleeping bag in her arms. 

"Is that for me?" 

"No." 

"Oh. What time is it?" 

"Seven o'clock." 

"Where are you going?" 

"I'm going to a sleep-over at Hope's house. I'll be back tomorrow around dinner. See you then." 

"Hah hah....see you then." Scouter watched her leave, his heart sinking. "Like mother, like daughter..." 

He watched the snow fall as the neighbourhood got dark. He stared up at a street light and the snow glistened by it. The wind blew into his ears. 

He looked towards the driveway and saw his father approaching. 

"Father? Father, what are you doing here?" he asked. 

"I came to see your head." 

"Huh?" 

"I think I'd look better with your head," he responded. 

One-Eye reached for Scouter's head and ripped it from its socket. Scouter screamed as One-Eye looked at it. 

"Yeah. I need a new, young face to turn on the girls." One-Eye reached and pulled his own head off and swapped it with his son's. 

"Yeah. You look at lot better with my head and I look a lot better with yours." 

"But....but....but..." 

"Thanks, lad." 

One-Eye turned to leave but then stopped and came back. 

"Get away from me!" Scouter screamed with One-Eye's head. 

One-Eye ripped the hat from his new head and exchanged it for his cap. 

"Yeah. Now that's perfect." 

Scouter screamed, feeling his new head. He felt something touch him. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" 

"Scouter, are you alright?" 

He looked up to see Winnowill kneeling before him. 

He put his hands to his face and felt it. It felt like his own. He sighed in relief. "Yes." 

"Your skin feels like ice." 

"I wonder why." 

"It's ten o'clock. All the children are in bed by now." 

"I don't know. My watch stopped working four hours ago." 

"Well, you can come in now." 

He got up quickly, though he had wanted to hide the fact he was anxious. 

"It sure did get cold tonight, didn't it?" Winnowill asked. 

"Oh, it wasn't so bad. Not so bad at all." 

"Don't lie to me, Scouter." 

"Okay, it was freezing." 

"Well, you've done your job, my dear. No eggs. Let's hope this new tradition continues." 

"Uh huh." 

"Do you want a tea?" 

"No." 

"It will warm you up right away." 

"No. I just want some juice." 

"Alright. When did the others leave?" 

"I don't know." 

"Well, Soreel and the others went straight to the Freaks Night festivities from Burger Queen." 

"It's where the Chosen belong every day of the year." 

"Sometimes, yes." 

"All the time, yes." 

"Alright. They aren't exactly the most normal and conforming of people." 

"So I guess it's just us here tonight. Nellia's at Hope's and Sharpeyes is at mother's with Ramjeet." 

"Yes. All alone. The Chosen won't be home until three o'clock or so." She walked up behind him and placed gentle hands on his shoulders. "Scouter..." 

"What?" he sighed. 

"I know just what would warm you up." 

"What?" 

"I bought a new nightgown today." 

"That's nice." 

"It's really lacy." 

"That's nice." 

"Do you want me to put it on?" 

"Not really." 

"Well, how about one of the other ones? You liked the one I bought last month." 

"No. That's alright." 

"Well, is there anything I can do that would please you?" 

"Yeah." 

"What?" 

"Leave me alone." 

He heard Winnowill breath in deeply. "Very well," she choked. 

"Thank you." 

He didn't see her leave, but he knew she was gone. He poured his juice into a large glass and sipped half of it in one long swig. He wandered into the living room where Winnowill now sat before the television. She did not turn to acknowledge the fact he was even there. 

"We didn't even have that many children come," he spoke. 

Winnowill scooped a chocolate bar from the bowl and opened it angrily. She wharfed it down in one bite, but still didn't turn to him. 

"Most of the kids in this area are already Nellia's age." 

She scooped up another and ate it in one bite again. 

"And even then, not many people were giving out candy, anyway. The children didn't get much in this area this year." 

A third chocolate bar was devoured within thirty seconds. 

"If you think ignoring me is going to bother me, think again. It's nice to have you quiet once in awhile." 

Four. 

"I'll just sit here quietly, warm up and watch television." 

Five...Six... 

Winnowill finally looked up at him. Her face didn't appear angry. 

"Scouter?" she asked innocently. 

"Yes?" 

"Do you think I'm fat?" 

"If you manage to polish all of these off by yourself, you will be," he spoke, taking a chocolate bar for himself. 

"I mean now." 

"Why is that important?" 

"Just tell me." 

"You look fine." 

"What about my hair?" 

"It's fine." 

"Then what is it?" 

"Nothing. You look fine." 

"Then why won't you let me warm you up?" 

"I'm just not in the mood." 

"Are you sure?" 

"YES!" 

Winnowill fell silent. A few moments later, she rose. 

"I'm going to bed." 

"Okay. Good night." 

"Mmmmm..." 

* * * * * * 

Scouter woke up and could barely breathe. His nostrils were completely plugged. 

"Oh greagt..." he mumbled. He sneezed three times. 

"Good. You're finally up," Winnowill spoke from across the room. "You spent half the night snoring." 

"I gog a code from last nihgt." 

"Oh, that's impossible. It takes three days for a cold to gestate. You probably got it off someone else." 

"I feel horrigle. Heal me, Winnowvil." 

"You know I can't heal colds." 

"Greagt." 

"I have to hurry off to the restaurant. You'll have to get your own breakfast." 

He rolled over and followed her downstairs with the blankets from the bed wrapped around him. 

"Drink juice and stay warm and you should be fine." 

He moaned and walked into the kitchen. Winnowill turned to the door. She opened it and walked out onto the porch. 

"By Gothara!" Winnowill exclaimed. 

Eggs everywhere! 

"SCOUTER!!" she shouted. 

Scouter came into the dining room, looking worse. 

"Whaght?" 

"Look at this," she spoke, gesturing to the porch. 

He walked over and looked for himself. 

"I don't belieg it..." 

"We got egged again!" 

"I just don't belieg it..." 

"How could this have happened again?" she spoke, closing the door and rushing into the living room. It would bother her to leave now. 

Scouter wandered into the kitchen again. He opened the refrigerator door to get more juice. He subconsciously looked at the fridge door. Something strange caught his eye. He closed it and went into the living room. 

"Winnowvil....SNIFF!!" 

"What?" 

"Did you mage eggs dis mornig?" 

"No. I haven't used eggs in days." 

"Vell, someone's becomge obgessive about eggs, or somtig weeird is goig on here." 

"Why?" 

"When I cooged dinner last nighg, the egg tray vas full. Now dere's only four left." 

"And your point is..." 

"Someone in de tribe egged de house!" 

"It's one of our own?" 

"YES!" 

"I bought two dozen just last Monday. Four left?" 

"Yes." 

"It's one of the Chosen that's egged the house all these years! There's no other excuse for it." 

"What aboug de children?" 

"No. Remember this has been going on since you lived here. The children weren't even born yet." 

"Oh, yeahg." 

"Scouter, will you send? You sound completely ridiculous." 

**Sorry. So, who do you think did it?** 

"I don't know. It could be any of them." 

**If they'd skinny dip in the lake last summer against campsite regulations, they'd dare to throw eggs at the house.** 

"Good point. And that leaves everyone, even Tera, under suspicion." 

**I don't believe I got this cold for nothing.** 

"Well, how could we possibly know the Chosen were behind this?" 

**Because they're almost always behind it.** 

"Good point." 

**You haven't heard any sendings?** 

"You know the Chosen, and they know me. When they're up to something, they're smart enough not to send their plans." 

**Then you'll have to start from scratch.** 

"Are your ears as sharp as your eyes?" 

**No. But they're pretty good.** 

"I want you to..." 

**Oh, no. Not again. No, Winnowill. I'm not doing any more favours.** 

"I only want you to listen around and try to find out who egged the house." 

Scouter shook his head defiantly. "No!" he croaked aloud. 

"Oh, honestly, Scouter! Sometimes you're worse than Reemor!" 

**Yeah? Well, I don't push my lifemate around like somebody else I know!** 

"I do not push you around." 

**Yes you do! And I'm getting sick of it!** 

"Don't push your luck and my good nature. Just do as I ask. Or else!" 

Winnowill glared at him, and he knew it was time to yield. 

"Ogay, I'll do it." 

"Good. Now Tera, Tyldak, Soreel, Reemor and Voreel should be at the restaurant. Where's everyone else?" 

Scouter blew his nose in response. 

"Reevol..." Winnowill called, descending the stairs to the basement where Reevol's room was. The eldest of the Chosen very rarely left the house until noon unless he had work. Normally he was slumped by the basement television watching a cheesy talk show or one of the videos in his even cheesier porno collection. But there was not a sign of him. Winnowill knocked on the door to his room, but received no response. She opened it to find the room empty. 

"Hmmm....that's odd." 

She went back upstairs and sent to the others. 

**Aroree, Reep, Kureel, Reekin...** 

No response. 

Winnowill shrugged, giving up. It wasn't important, anyway. 

Scouter had sprawled himself out on the couch with a thick layer of blankets and the remote by his side. 

"I have to hurry off to the restaurant," Winnowill announced. 

"Mm hm." 

"Try to recruit someone to clean up that mess outside. The longer it stays on the harder it is to scrub." 

"Yes, dear." 

"If any calls come in for me, forward them to Burger Queen." 

"Ogay." 

"And Scouter..." 

"What?" 

"Get to work on finding the culprit. I want an answer by tomorrow." 

"But I'm sig. Can't it waig until next weeg?" 

"Scouter...." 

"Alrigt. Tomorgow." 

She smiled. "Good." And she left. 

"She snage..." Scouter mumbled to himself beyond earshot. 

* * * * * * __

Hmmmm....If I check their hampers and look at their costumes, maybe I'll find some egg residue... 

Scouter reached into Reep and Tera's hamper and pulled out the black robes and ruffled blouses that had been part of Reep's vampire costume, and Tera's regular wardrobe, and sought out egg stains. None. 

He moved to Voreel's room and checked the youngest Chosen's magician's costume that he wore every year. Nothing. 

Kureel had gone as himself as always. According to him Freak's Night was childish, yet he still followed his colleagues down to the festivities every year to get out of the house. Scouter checked the clothes on the top of the Chosen's hamper. Nothing. 

Cautiously, he entered Soreel and Aroree's room. He sighed in relief that it was empty and looked in the hampers for the pair's costumes. No egg to be seen on either the insane devil attire or the princess'. Scouter shrugged, noting this, and wandered on into Reemor's room. Reemor's costume was the same as it was every year -- a garbage bag. For some reason, Reemor was obsessed with garbage. Scouter didn't think he would find the costume in the hamper, but it turns out he needn't have worried, for Reemor's room, as always, was a pigsty. His costume lied in the middle of the floor. Upon careful observation, no egg. And no leads. 

Reekin had gone as himself that night, as always, more as a statement to the cause of peace than to the realization that his regular attire was a costume in itself. No egg, though. So he descended the stairs and went into the basement to observe Reevol's costume -- an alien dominator from Zaltor X. Nothing but black leather and spring beely-boppers, though. 

Scouter sighed, his leads shattered. 

* * * * * * 

After a few more ideas, Scouter gave up his search. There had been no leads. No leftover egg shells anywhere, and no whisperings among the Chosen coming home from the morning shift. But he did note that they all seemed to disappear after coming home. He couldn't locate anyone to clean up the porch. Only Tyldak, and he would take days to tidy it up, if he finished it at all. 

Maybe Scouter had been wrong in his assumption it was someone in the house... 

The phone rang and Scouter was the only one around to answer it. 

"Hello, Glider resigence." 

"Hello, father. Long time no talk." 

"Vindkin, good to hear from you. It has been a lohng time. Whaght have you been up to?" 

"Mostly the same. Working. Are you feeling okay? You sound a little funny." 

"I just have a code." 

"Oh. Well, I just called to spread the good news." 

"Good news?" 

"Holly's having a baby." 

"Vell, that's wongerful! I'm going to be a grandfagher again. How did your mogher tage it?" 

"Oh, you know, ranting about being old again." 

"As alwags. Vell, I guess there's no crime ing it." 

"No, I guess not." 

"Vell, be sure to visit soong." 

"We'll try to make it once before Gothara Day." 

"Good." 

"And try to tell Tyldak, too, if he's able to grasp it." 

"Well, I doubgt that. But I'll try, angyway." 

"I don't know what it is. He can remember some of the most trivial facts but he forgets recognizing mother." 

"Thag's just the way he is. And probagly always vill be." 

"Some people just can't handle the years, I suppose. Well, you know, and that's good enough for me. You were more a father to me than Tyldak was, anyway." 

"Tell Holly to tage it easyg." 

"Don't worry. I'm making sure of that. Bye, father." 

"Bye." 

Scouter got off the phone and all of a sudden it dawned on him. It was only a possible lead, but that was more than he had before. 

* * * * * * 

Tyldak attempted to eat his dinner alone in the kitchen when Scouter entered. The former Wolfrider got his own plate and sat down at the bench, as well. Of all the Gliders, Scouter disliked Tyldak the most, second only to Reevol. But this had to be done. 

"Say, Tyldag..." 

Tyldak stabbed a piece of meat with his long, claw-like fingernail, then looked at Scouter. 

"Yes?" 

"Did you knog thag I sat outsige for hourgs last nighg looging for people who egged de hougse on Freag's Nighgt and we still gog egged?" 

"Pardon me?" 

"I saig...Ohg Gotara..." he sighed, realizing the problem. **I said that I sat outside for hours looking out for the people who egged the house but we still got egged after I came inside.** 

A few moments of silence ensued before Tyldak responded. 

"I know nothing about the contest." 

Bingo! Idiot power. Windkin's call had triggered something within Scouter's mind. Tyldak often said things he didn't want to. The Chosen still had not learned that it was a bad idea to plot anything around Tyldak because there was a chance he would blow it for them. Scouter had learned that lesson the hard way by himself, years ago, when he had moonlighted at Garfield's to raise money for Winnowill's lifemateship ring. 

**What contest?** 

"I know nothing of the Chosen's contest." 

**Oh? The Chosen's contest. Interesting.** 

"I am not hungry. I am leaving." 

**Not so fast.** 

"I know nothing." 

**Don't lie, Tyldak. What is this Chosen contest all about?** 

"Did you know a hummer bird can fly up to seventy miles an hour?" 

**I don't care. If you don't tell me, I'll get Winnowill to make you talk, and that's worse.** 

"Yes. That is worse." Tyldak sat. "What is it, again?" 

Scouter was losing his patience with the dense one, but he felt calmness would be more productive. **The Chosen contest...** 

"Well..." 

* * * * * * 

**....All the Chosen get together and throw eggs at the house. Then they all avoid having to clean it up. Whoever gets stuck with the job must pay the others fifty dollars each.** 

"So they were all behind it," Winnowill responded. 

**Tera, too. Tyldak wasn't actually involved, but he obviously knew about it.** 

"Which makes him just as guilty. Hmmm....there's only one way to get back at all of them." 

**How?** 

"Stoop to their level. And lower..." 

**When?** 

"Tomorrow." 

* * * * * * 

Winnowill had closed Burger Queen for the day and paid for the Chosen to go and see a movie together. This was unusual, but the Chosen weren't going to question her good nature. 

They came home cheerfully, awaiting an evening of peace. They stood in the hall and began to take off their boots and coats. 

And that's when the attack came. 

Eggs from above! SPLAT!! 

Some of the Chosen screamed and tried to scatter. Some of them were frozen, allowing eggs to be pitched in their hair and on their clothes. 

"Who...?" Reevol questioned, shaking his head. Some raw egg fell into his mouth. GACK!! 

"Oh, great," Soreel said, looking up at the banister where Winnowill and Scouter stood. "Game over." 

"So, Winnowill...who's going to clean up?" Scouter asked. 

"Oh, I thingk they can all pitch in. Get to voork, everyone. You knowg where de cleaner is. And I don't vant to seeg any of you until de porch and de hall are gleamig." 

They stood bewildered and dripping with quickly drying egg. 

"Vell, whaght are you all doig standig around!? Doog it!" 

They scattered to get the cleaner and rags. 

Winnowill turned to Scouter. "Hmmm...it's a liggle chilly in here. Don't you vind it a liggle chilly in here?" 

"I find it a lot chilly in here." 

"I knowg how to varm you up." 

"Mmm...I'm sure you do, my dear. I'm sure you do." 

ONWARD... 

. 

_Yes, I know it has practically NOTHING to do with Elfquest. But by the end of my EQ fanfic days, very little of my stuff really did. Unfortunately my EQ fandom died a long time ago, even though I'm still anxiously awaiting the movie, whenever that's going to be :( And I MUST have that Rayek figure..._

* * *

Scouter, Winnowill, Aroree, Tyldak, Kureel, Windkin and Dewshine and other relevant EQ stuff (c) 2000 by Wendy and Richard Pini. This is a fanfiction and was not intended to to be used for profit in any way, shape or form. 

. 


End file.
